Firsts
by Chalkmuffins2
Summary: A series of firsts between Sakura and Kakashi. AU office setting.
1. Chapter 1

The first time she sees him is at a company picnic. It's a pleasant day, warm with a nice breeze. There is that unavoidable overlaying of awkwardness of hundreds of people meeting for the first time as heads of departments pressure their subordinates to mingle with other departments, but everyone is still generally having a good time.

She is making small talk with someone from finance when she sees spiky grey hair sticking up from the crowd. She double takes. Spiky grey hair?

Finance girl (Ann? Aki? Aiko?) follows her glance and laughs. She elbows Sakura playfully in the ribs, raising her eyebrows.

"Heh, like what you see?" finance girl (Ami? Aoi?) says cheekily, a wolfish grin stretched across her face. Before Sakura can reply, finance girl (Akane? Akari?) waves her arms vigorously. "Oy, Hatake! Get your ass over here for a second, will ya?"

Sakura sputters at finance girl indignantly as the man strolls over casually, hands shoved in his pockets. As he comes closer, Sakura sees that he is tall with a lean build, and that he wears a mask. He stops a couple feet away, a single eyebrow raised.

"What do you want, Anko?" he drawls. Finance girl—Anko strides forward and throws an arm over the man's shoulders, yanking him down to her height. Sakura sighs and takes a sip of her lemonade.

"Well I know it's been a while since you've been laid, and Pinky over here was checking you out!" Anko proclaims, feral grin still in place. Sakura's eyes widen and the lemonade shoots back out of her nose unattractively. Anko barks out a laugh and Sakura can feel eyes burning into her as she coughs out the lemonade. "Whoa Pinky, you alright—"

"Fine, I'm fine!" she gasps out, waving vaguely at them and stumbling away. "Nothing to worry about, goodbye!"

She rushes to the bathroom to clean herself up. She takes her time, leisurely fussing over her hair and dress in the mirror to hide from that menace of a woman. When she finally pokes her head out, she is relieved and slightly disappointed that she doesn't see that head of grey spikes again. She shakes her head to clear the thought and rejoins Ino and her other coworkers in marketing. She can do without the weirdos in finance.

* * *

The first time they actually speak is at a bar. Ino manages to rally their entire marketing team into going out to celebrate Kiba's birthday (but Sakura knows that Ino is just bored and wants to stir up some drama). She even manages to spread the invite around during the lunch hour, and by the day's end a sizeable group has gathered at the base of the building.

Ino drags the group out to a bar in the heart of the business district right when work ends and happy hour begins. After very little goading, she convinces Naruto to buy a round for everyone, and then bullies Shikamaru into buying the next, and sweet talks some random guy from IT into buying another. By that point, everyone is loosened up drastically and needs no push from Ino to drink more.

Sakura sits in a booth, eyes flitting noncommittally between the sports game blasting on one TV behind the bar and the ridiculous reality TV show on the other. Ino prances to her, drinks in each of her hands.

"What are you doing just sitting here?" she yells above the din of their drunk coworkers.

"Watching TV," Sakura replies, refusing to make eye contact with her. Ino rolls her eyes, bumping her lightly with her hip so she could sit next to Sakura and glances at the TVs.

"Figures you would be watching dumb shit like this," she snorts. Sakura shrugs. Ino shoves a drink into her hand with a grin.

"Ino, come on, you know I don't-"

"Come _on_, Sakura, live a little!" Sakura stares deadpan at Ino. "Just chug this one drink and I'll leave you alone, okay?" Sakura sighs.

"_Fine_, you incessant harpy." Sakura snaps. Ino lets out a whoop as they clink their glasses together and down them. Sakura shudders and Ino throws her a wink.

"Ah, feels like college, huh?" Ino laughs and skips away into the crowd. That shy, rich girl from accounting was getting bolder and bolder with each drink, and Sakura could tell Ino could sense a scandal just waiting to happen (that, or Ino would be happy to help one happen by plying the poor girl with more drinks).

Sakura sighs, feeling sorry for the girl but glad that Ino's attention diverted. She stares dispassionately at the TV screens for a bit more. Someone has changed the channel and put wrestling on all of screens. She leans back in the booth seat and closes her eyes. She nods her head to the steady beat of the music and vaguely feels the world move slowly after her head like a late echo. She giggles at the odd sensation, enjoying it for a few minutes before opening her eyes. She jumps, knee banging into the table. Grey spikes is standing a few inches away from her, eyes sparkling in amusement. He leans forward to talk to her.

"Hey, can I sit with you?" grey spikes asks, hands in pockets. Sakura stares blankly at him long enough for him to start backing away. "…or not?" Sakura jumps again, coming back to life.

"Oh no, I'm sorry, I mean yes, of course yeah go ahead and sit there anyone can sit it's not like I own the bar or anything hah anyways yeah go ahead hi!" she stutters out, gesturing back and forth between him and the table. He brings his hand up to take a sip of his drink. Her hand catches his arm and she watches in horror as she knocks the drink out of his hand and onto his shirt.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry!" she cries, grabbing napkins from the table and pressing it into the material. She stammers on and on again until grey spikes cuts her off with a laugh. She jumps again in surprise at the pleasant sound and looks up at him.

"Are you always such a klutz?" he teased, tilting his head to the side. His dark eyes twinkle with laughter. Much closer than she was at the picnic, she can see that he has a scar running down his left eye. The mask from before is tugged down from his previous attempt to take a sip and she can see the strong jaw and sharp nose. He's beautiful.

He takes a napkin from her and wipes his hand, breaking Sakura out of her spell.

"Uh, yeah, usually." She answers sheepishly, forcing herself to stop gazing at him. "I really am sorry for that." He sighs, tossing the napkin onto the table.

"I guess you'll just have to buy me another one." He says with a shrug.

"Sure, I owe you that much." She replies with an awkward laugh. He starts to walk away and she scoots out of the booth. He walks slightly in front of her towards the bar and her gaze drops down. Mmm. Nice ass.

"Yeah, and that way you can keep checking me out if you want to." He calls over his shoulder and she can hear the smirk in his voice without even seeing his face. She sputters again and he laughs.

* * *

The first time they kiss is at work. The finance department is on the same floor as marketing. Finance is right beside the elevators and marketing is right next to the break room. One would have to pass by finance to get anywhere on the floor and have to pass marketing to get into the break room. It's a wonder that neither noticed the other considering their unique hair colors, but they make up for that with shameless flirting for weeks after their first conversation. They start to arrive at the same time so they can chat on the elevator ride up, taking their time to walk to the break room to drop off their lunches in the ridge and lingering until the office starts to work. They sit at the same table during lunch. They go slightly out of their way to go to farther printing rooms so they can see each other while making copies.

"Damn Hatake, I've never seen you on time this often!" Anko calls out to him every time they exit the elevator. She throws a saucy wink their way. "Any reason why?" The finance department giggles as Sakura blushes and Kakashi pointedly ignores Anko's kissy sounds.

It is about a month after their first conversation when they kiss.

When it becomes clear that the finance department tends to get out later than marketing, Sakura finds little reasons to extend her time so she can walk out with Kakashi. She feels a little silly at first, but she feels his appreciation every time he proposes they grab food or a drink or anything to spend more time together.

This day, Kakashi is preoccupied with some difficult finance thing that Sakura does not even pretend to understand. The marketing team leaves, calling their goodbyes to Sakura with knowing smirks. This is the fourth day in a row she is staying late to reorganize her files. She knows she's running out of excuses but does not particularly care.

One by one, even the finance department drops out. Kakashi remains at his desk, eyes staring intently at his screen. By the time the last of finance has left, Sakura has reorganized her files four times.

She grabs her bag and walks over to his desk, peering over his shoulder. As she expected, she does not understand a single thing on his screen. She puts a hand on his shoulder and his head snaps to her in surprise, as if not realizing she was even there still. She withdraws her hand, slightly hurt.

"Hey, are you almost done?" she asks impatiently. He blinks, looking around the office and then to the clock on his desk.

"Oh shit, I didn't realize it had gotten so late." He exclaims. He saves his progress and shuts down the computer, rolling his shoulders. He straightens his back from the awkward, hunched over position over his computer. A few light pops crack out of his back and he sighs, rubbing his neck. His arm strains to massage a part of his back just out of his reach as he starts gathering his things.

She put down her bag to press her hands into the spot and feels his jump of surprise this time. She ignores it, kneading into the knot on his back. His arms fall to his sides and his head drops forward. A light hum escapes him as she massages the knots away. She runs her hands across the wide expanse of his back. She feels the lean muscle ease under her palms. His hums and soft moans when she pushes into a particularly tight knot are loud against the quiet hum of the fluorescent lights. She feels heat creep up her neck. Something about this feels so intimate, so sensual.

She finishes her massage, dragging her hands slowly down his back. She starts to lift her palms up when he catches them, holding them against his body in a loose enough grip that she can break away if she wants to. She doesn't want to.

He pulls her closer until she has to lean down and wraps her arms around his torso. Then he turns abruptly in his chair and she falls into his lap. Her breath catches and her eyes meet his intense gaze. He strokes his finger gently down her cheek until his hand his cupping her face. He smiles at her.

"Thanks for the massage," he says, his voice softer and huskier than she has ever heard it. Her hands travel up to his mask and slowly push the material down. He draws her face closer.

"You're welcome." She whispers, their lips nearly touching.

An office door opens, breaking the spell. Sakura jumps up and Kakashi shoves his chair back. The door creaks open to reveal the head of the finance department, Minato. He yawns, locking his door behind him and stops abruptly when he sees Kakashi and Sakura.

"Oh, are you two still working?" he asks in confusion. Sakura picks up her bag quickly as Kakashi shoves his things into his.

"No, no, we're done!" she says in a high-pitched voice, laughing awkwardly. "Thank you!"

"Yes, thanks, go ahead! We'll be going now." Kakashi says as he stands, waving at his boss. Minato raises an eyebrow.

"Why are you two thanking me?" he says hesitantly, eyeing them both suspiciously. Sakura lets out another awkward high-pitched laugh and Kakashi nods. "Okay?"

Minato presses the down button calling for the elevator and they stand in uncomfortable silence. When the elevator finally arrives, they all start towards it. Kakashi pauses right as Minato enters.

"Ah, you know what, I forgot something, you go ahead sensei!" Kakashi exclaims. Minato stretches his arm across the sensor.

"Are you sure?"

"Yup, all good, go on ahead!" Kakashi waves, eyes closed in a smile.

Minato shrugs and moves his arm, giving the two a small wave. Sakura waves vigorously back and Minato raises an eyebrow again. Strange girl.

The doors slide shut and Sakura leans heavily against Kakashi's desk in relief. Kakashi runs a hand through his hair and sighs, leaning next to her. They sit in silence for a moment before Kakashi laughs.

"What?" she asks, arms crossed as he continues to laugh. "What's so funny?"

"You." He replies, bending over with the force of his laughter. "Me. Us. God, why did we thank him? What the hell was that?" His whole body is shaking with mirth. She has never seen him laugh with such reckless abandon, and her heart soars at the sight. She smiles and decides that she likes it.

"Ah, he's going to have a lot of questions on Monday." Kakashi says as he takes a few deep breaths to calm his laughter down. "Well, he's probably left the building by now. Shall we go?"

He smiles down at her, laughter still vibrating through his posture and she just can't help herself. She reaches up and loops her arms behind his neck, yanking him down. He stumbles to catch his balance and squishes her against the desk in his attempt. He turns his head towards her to say something and she presses her lips to his earnestly.

For a long second he pauses in shock and she wonders if she was too assertive. She thinks of all of the men she has scared off with her forwardness and her heart shrinks back inward. She starts to pull away, ready for the rejection. He scoops her up easily, placing her onto his desk. Then he wraps his arms around her waist, crushing their bodies together. And he kisses her back.

Her heart soars back to life and passion pools in her stomach. The warmth of it streaks through her body as Kakashi steps between her thighs to get closer. Her legs wrap around his hips and it feels so right that she gasps. He takes the opportunity and slides his tongue in, playfully fighting with hers. His open palms run up and down her back, sliding down her hips and pulling her closer. He grinds forward and she moans, running her hands through his hair, and his hands slide down lower to—

The elevator dings and Kakashi jumps back, panting. Sakura hops down from the desk, pulling her skirt down. The doors slowly slide open to reveal a janitor. He pushes his cart out of the elevator and stops when he sees them.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I saw Namikaze-sama leave the building, and he's usually the last one out." The janitor exclaims, turning back to the elevator. "I didn't realize you two were still working. I can come back later.

"Oh no, it's fine!" Sakura says in that same high-pitched voice from before. She grabs Kakashi's bag and shoves it into his arms. She scoops hers up and tugs Kakashi towards the stairwell. "We're on our way out! Thank you, have a great day!"

"Uh, don't you want to take the elevator?" the janitor asks, finger poised to press the button. Sakura shakes her head, waving.

"No, we're fine, thank you, goodnight!" she calls over her shoulder, dragging Kakashi into the stairwell with her. She slams the door shut behind her and sighs, leaning against it. They make eye contact and Kakashi quirks an amused eyebrow at her.

"Good save. Not conspicuous at all."

"Well, you didn't say anything! I had to do something!" she shoots back, glaring at him. He laughed, pulling her in. He presses his lips to hers gently and she feels herself melt into his embrace. He breaks away, smiling so softly down at her that she pulls him in for another sweet kiss that makes her toes curl. He breaks away again with a sigh.

"As lovely as this is, we'd better start heading down." Kakashi says, sighing again. He laughs at her pout and pokes her nose. "Hey, you're the one who volunteered us to walk down ten flights of stairs."

* * *

The first time they sleep together is at his place. It is the same night as their first kiss. It is just as toe curling and heart soaring as the kisses. (Okay, maybe even more.)

At the end of the night, Kakashi strokes her hair and holds her close.

"Hey, I think you should know. I…I've never really been in a relationship before." He says as she drifts off to sleep. "I don't really know what I'm doing. I don't even know what I want, honestly."

"Oh, that's okay." Sakura says sleepily. "We can talk about it later."

"Okay." He replies, but she is already asleep.

* * *

The first time she says I love you is an accident. By this point, they are together for months. The whole floor finds out through Minato-sama (who, turns out, is as big of a gossip as Ino). Anko takes credit for them meeting and Ino takes credit for them talking, and everyone unfortunately finds out what a dangerous pair they make when they join forces.

There are many more drunken bar celebrations between marketing and finance orchestrated by those two. And there are many more hangovers.

It is the day after one of these monstrous gatherings ("Why are we going out again? Why _not_, Sakura? My god just because you've finally got yourself a boyfriend now doesn't mean we can't all have _fun_) when she says it. Her head is pounding the second she wakes up. She can feel the nausea sitting deceptively dormant, just waiting for her to breathe too deeply or move too quickly so it can roar upward and empty the contents of her stomach. She opens her eyes slowly, cringing in preparation for the flood of light. She opens her eyes fully without pain. She looks around the room and blinks the sleep out of her eyes. Ah, that's right. She stayed at Kakashi's last night, and Kakashi has those blessed blackout curtains to keep the sun out.

The door opens and she turns her head towards it. Kakashi tiptoes in with a bag in one hand and a glass of water in the other. He smiles at her when he sees she's awake.

"Yo." Kakashi is fully dressed, hair already sitting in its usual organized mess on his head. Sakura is not surprised. The man is never hungover, no matter how much he drinks. Sometimes, she suspects he has two or three livers. That, coupled with him being a natural morning person has the potential to make extremely annoying. "I bought you food."

That is, if he weren't so considerate.

"Thanks," she croaks out, sitting up slowly. He takes out all of the food and chuckles as she wolfs it down. He turns the TV on and some movie about ninjas comes on. He keeps the volume low, knowing how terrible her hangovers are. When she finishes her food, he hands her the glass of water and two aspirins.

"Ugh, I love you!" she exclaims, popping the aspirins and washing it down with water. She leans back into the pillows and turns to smile at him. "Thank you!"

"Um, really?" he asks, sitting up awkwardly straight. Sakura frowns, tilting her head.

"Um, yes? What, are my thanks not enough?" she teases, confused at his behavior.

"No, I meant about the love part." He says, looking away and fidgeting with the blanket. Sakura furrows her eyebrows.

"What are you talking about?" she asks irritated, rubbing her head. The nausea is at bay, but the headache is still pounding.

"You said you love me." Sakura's heart leaps into her throat. Kakashi keeps steady eye contact with literally everything but her.

"No, I didn't." She says quickly.

"Yes, you did." He shoots back.

"No, I said thank you."

"Well, first you said I love you."

"Well, I didn't mean to!" she shouts, cheeks burning. The silence that follows is deafening. Kakashi turns off the TV and gets up.

"Okay," he sighs out, getting out of bed. Sakura's hand shoots out instinctively, grabbing his. He stops. Her hands are shaking.

"I mean, it's not that I didn't mean it!" she exclaims, looking down. "I just, I didn't mean to say it now! Ugh, I wasn't supposed to say it like this! We were supposed to be doing something cute, and it was supposed to be special, and I wasn't supposed to be hungover—"

"So you meant it?" Kakashi interrupts her ramble, looking at her over her shoulder. Her eyes pool with tears. This isn't how it's supposed to happen.

"Yeah," she says with a sniffle, letting go of his hand to cover her eyes. His hands gently pry hers away. She keeps her eyes screwed closed and he laughs. Soft lips catch hers and she is immediately lost in the touch. She sighs happily, pressing into him. He pulls her into his lap and his hands rub softly through her hair. He breaks the kiss and they lean their foreheads together.

"I think… I think I love you too."

* * *

The first time they have a big fight it's raining. Sakura spends so much time at Kakashi's that they essentially live together in everyway except on the lease contract. When the time comes for Sakura to renew her lease, she mentions in bed that night that maybe she should just officially move in. Kakashi immediately refuses without explanation. Sakura is shocked and hurt at the rejection but tries to be respectful of his decision. He kisses her thank you and turns over to turn off the light. Instead of turning back to her and cuddling with her like he usually does, he stays turned to the side. Away from her.

She wakes up in a bad mood the next day, which is amplified when she hears the soft patter of rain on the roof. She stomps around in the morning while she gets ready. Kakashi moves around her uncertainly, confused about the mood. When they leave for work, she takes her own car instead of riding with him, confusing him further.

Her angry mood builds throughout the day. No one tries to approach her after she nearly rips off poor Iruka's head when he asks where Kakashi went during the lunch break.

"How am I supposed to know?" she snaps. Iruka shrinks back, eyes wide.

"Uh, well if you see him, could you let him know Minato-sama wants to talk to him?" Iruka squeaks out. Sakura's eyes flash dangerously.

"Why would I see him? I don't work in his department. Aren't you finance? _You_ tell him." She barks at him, turning back to her lunch and ripping it to shreds with her utensils.

"Oh okay, sorry!" Iruka exclaims, shuffling back to the finance department.

Everyone in marketing awkwardly sidesteps Sakura. If Ino were there, it may be different. But she is on vacation, and won't be back until next week. By the end of the day, Sakura's feelings are so tightly wound, anything could make them snap. She is finishing up work on her computer when something arrives to make her snap.

"Yo."

Sakura twitches but otherwise ignores him. Kakashi sighs behind her, walking forward to lean against her desk. It is late enough in the day that all of the marketing team is gone, and most of finance is as well. Sakura maintains her focus on her computer until Kakashi pushes her chair backwards and steps in front of it. She scowls up at him.

"What?" she growls. He sighs again.

"You're upset." She snorts.

"No fucking way! I am?" she exclaims, hands poised in front of her mouth in mock surprise. Kakashi narrowed his eyes at her.

"How much more work do you have left to do?"

"A lot." She replies shortly. "So move."

"Will you be ready to go home soon?" he asked exasperatedly.

"Home? What's home?" she scoffed. "We don't have a home." Kakashi stares at her.

"Ah, so that's why you're upset." He muses.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She sniffs, looking away. He rolls his eyes.

"Look, I'm not sure why you're so upset about this. We're not ready to move in together." He says with a shrug.

"How much more ready can we be, Kakashi?" she snaps, her voice rising in volume. The few people remaining in the office hurry towards the elevator.

"We haven't even been together for that long."

"We've been together for close to a year now!" she rebuts, standing up from her chair. "Isn't that long enough for you to start thinking about this kind of stuff?"

"How am I supposed to know?" he frowns, crossing his arms. "I told you, I don't really do relationships. I don't know what I'm doing here."

"How the hell do you not know what you're doing?" she shoots back, stepping forward and jabbing him in the chest. "It's easy! What do you want? Don't you love me?"

"I don't know!" he exclaims, throwing his hands up. Sakura stared at him incredulously. "No, no, I mean I do know. Some things. I know that I love you, but I don't know what to do with that. I don't know what I'm supposed to do after that." He looks at her pleadingly.

"Well, it sounds like you need to figure that out." she replies icily, grabbing her things. Kakashi follows a step behind her as she stomps towards the elevator. She turns so abruptly he almost crashes into her. "I'm in this for the long haul. And if you aren't, then this isn't going to work out."

Kakashi follows her into the elevator. They ride down to the parking garage with just the rain punctuating their silence. When they get out, Kakashi grabs her hand. She waits.

"I told you at the beginning… I told you I didn't know what I wanted or what I was ready for." He says, his voice so tired she can feel it.

"Kakashi, it's been months since then." She replies, keeping her eyes averted. "Isn't that enough time to figure it out?"

"I don't know." He says helplessly. She finally looks into his eyes. She softens slightly.

"Okay. Why don't we spend the weekend apart?" she suggests, turning to face him fully. "I'm still mad and you need to figure this out. Whatever you come up with, we can talk about it from there. Okay?"

"Okay."

Kakashi leans down and kisses her gently. Despite the argument, a feeling of peace washes over her, and she pulls him to her. They break the kiss and hold each other for a moment. Sakura steps back first and gives her first genuine smile of the day.

"Okay, I'll see you on Monday then!" she chirps, patting his head. "Think hard okay? I love you."

"I love you too." Kakashi swiftly replies, catching her hand and pressing a kiss into it. She smiles softly before pulling away to get into her car. Kakashi gets into his first and drives away immediately.

Sakura sits in her car and sighs, waiting for a few moments. She calls Ino. When Ino answers, there is blaring music pumping in the background. Sakura can hear Ino's flirtatious fake-giggles and rolls her eyes as she hangs up the phone. She takes her time picking out her music for the drive home. One of the reasons she stayed at Kakashi's so often is that it is much closer to the office than her apartment. Once she is satisfied with the music, she pulls out of the parking garage.

As she waits for the red light right outside the garage to change, an ambulance zooms by. Sakura watches it stop by a few cop car just a couple blocks away. Sakura shrugs. There are always accidents when it rains.

She drives towards her apartment; in the same direction the ambulance took. One of the officers waves his arms to stop her. She rolls her window down, annoyed as rain pelts her face and the inside of her car.

"I have to go this way," she shouts over the sound of sirens and the heavy rain picking up. "I have to take that freeway entrance, it's right there!"

"Sorry ma'am," the officer replies. "It's dangerous to drive this way. You'll have to go around." She rolls her eyes, opening her mouth to argue. She sees movement out of the corner of her eye and automatically focuses on it.

Spiky grey hair.

Lying flat.

On a gurney.

The first time they have a big fight is the last time they have a big fight.

* * *

**A/N**: There will be a second part.


	2. Chapter 2

The first time she meets his adopted father is in the emergency room waiting room.

She doesn't quite remember what happened after she realized it was Kakashi on that stretcher. She remembers standing outside of her car. She remembers reaching for Kakashi. She remembers rain, so much rain.

There are physical pains to fill in some of the gaps in her memory. Her arms hurt. The memory of being restrained seeps out. Her throat hurts. She feels how his name scraped out of her in screams. Her hands hurt. She looks down to see dry blood caked around her palms, from her hands gripped so tight into fists that she made deep cuts with her nails. She absently decides not to get acrylic nails again.

She is not sure how she got to the hospital. She is not sure where she left her car. She is not sure how long she has been in the hospital. She doesn't really care.

She is staring numbly at the wall in front of her when Minato-sama bursts through the doors. A tall man with spiky white hair is hot on his heels. When she the tall man, part of her brain realizes she has seen this man but is not sure why.

The tall man strides to the front desk and demands to know of Kakashi's condition. He receives the same information that they gave Sakura: no one knows until he's out of surgery. The tall man opens his mouth, perhaps to yell more, when Minato-sama puts a hand on his shoulder and shakes his head. All of the energy seems to deflate out of the tall man and he nods, turning to sit on one of the hard, plastic chairs. Minato-sama notices Sakura and guides them both towards her.

"Jiraiya-sensei, this is Sakura. Kakashi's girlfriend" Minato introduces her once they approach. "Sakura, this is Kakashi's father." Jiraiya nods to her.

"Nice to meet you." He says half-heartedly, holding his hand out to shake hers. She takes his hand slowly, shaking it weakly.

"I…" she croaks out. Her throat protests and she has to clear it a couple of times before her voice comes out hoarsely. "I thought his father was dead?" Jiraiya snorts and shakes his head.

"Figures the dumbass wouldn't mention me." Jiraiya grumbles. He and Minato-sama sit in the seats across from Sakura. "I adopted the twerp when he was five."

"Oh, I'm sorry." She replies. Her brain takes in the new information awkwardly. She is confused as to why Kakashi never mentioned it once in the year they were dating. Jiraiya shrugs.

"That's okay. He never mentioned you either."

This information stabs her. She nods quietly and they lapse back into silence.

* * *

The first time she meets Kakashi's best friends is at the funeral.

She hears the low buzz of speech around her but can't bring herself to stand up. Her eyes are locked on the urn sitting at the front of the room. She supposes she is thankful he didn't want to have an open casket funeral. She doesn't think she can take it to see his cold, lifeless body again. Seeing him at the hospital was more than enough.

"Oh Sakura dear, how are you?" a coworker comes up to her and puts a hand on her shoulder. "I have been so worried about you!" Sakura nods at all the right places as the coworker (she knows they've met before, she knows she could remember her name if she tried, but what's the point?) jabbers on, tears streaming down her face, and at the end Sakura manages to mutter out a small thank you.

She spots Jiraiya on the other side of the room and nods to him when they make eye contact. He nods back and disappears into another room. She doesn't get up to offer her condolences. They spent enough time together at the hospital for her to realize he didn't want them. He just wanted Kakashi to wake up. She understands because she feels the same way.

She feels a hand on her shoulder again and takes a deep breath to muster up the energy to take another speech. She turns and sees Minato-sama with a raven-haired man and a brunette woman.

"Hello Sakura." Minato-sama says. He looks into her eyes for a long moment and squeezes her shoulder. She appreciates that he doesn't ask how she's doing.

"So this is her, huh?" the raven-haired man asks. "I'm Obito. Kakashi's best friend." He thrusts a hand out to her. Sakura takes his hand and shakes it.

"I'm sorry we are meeting under these circumstances," she says softly, dropping her hand back to her side.

"We may never have. He never mentioned you." Obito replies with a shrug. Pain wracks through her. The brunette woman steps forward and whacks Obito on the back of the head.

"Obito! Ugh, what is wrong with you?" she reprimands him. She turns to Sakura with a small smile. "Hi Sakura, I'm Rin, one of Kakashi's childhood friends." Rin shook her hand briefly and glared at Obito.

"Well, it's true." Obito muttered, rubbing his head. "But I guess that's why he stopped hanging out with us." Rin pulls Obito aside and the two begin bickering quietly.

Obito reminds Sakura a bit of Naruto, and Sakura's mind flashes to a world of "what could have been." In another world, Sakura would like to think that Kakashi would have introduced them all eventually. She watches Obito and Rin argue and imagines Kakashi there. The image looks more complete. She imagines herself there. She thinks they could have gotten along.

_He never mentioned you_.

"Sakura, don't worry about him." Minato-sama urges to her quietly. He hands her a tissue. She takes it confusedly when she feels water drop onto her chest. She touches her face and feels the moisture there. She doesn't know how long she has been crying.

"How do you know all of these people, Minato-sama?" she asks, wiping her face. Minato-sama throws her a confused look.

"Oh, I thought Kakashi would have said something? I've known Kakashi since he was a child. I taught martial arts to him, Obito, and Rin for years." Minato replies in surprise. "That's why he called me sensei."

Again, Sakura takes in this information awkwardly. She does not know what to do with it. Before she can respond, someone steps up to the podium.

"Would everyone please take their seats? The service is about to begin." The man calls out. Everyone starts moving towards the chairs while Rin drags a disgruntled Obito back.

"Let's go sensei." Rin calls softly, looping an arm with Minato-sama. She turns towards Sakura. "It was nice to meet you."

"Yeah," Sakura replies, sitting down as the trio moves to the front row. She sees Rin throw her arms around Jiraiya, who hugs her back just as tightly. Minato-sama puts an arm around Obito, who is shaking with hands balled into fists at his side. She sees a few more people—a man with a toothpick hanging from his lips, a beautiful pale woman with dark hair and red eyes, a man putting out a lit cigarette, a man with thick eyebrows dressed in green spandex—gathering towards the front row. Even more people gather there and she realizes she doesn't know a single one.

And none of them know her.

She goes through the motions throughout the procession. She sits and stands and kneels at the appropriate times according to the prayers. She hears people speak but doesn't know the Kakashi that they describe. She stands when the man from before announces it is time to spread the ashes.

Jiraiya grabs the urn, and the group that was seated in the front row break off from the rest of the group. They get into their cars and drive away as Sakura watches.

* * *

The first time Sakura comes into work after Kakashi's death, she sees him everywhere.

She passes by his desk once she exits the elevator. She remembers the feel of his desk pressed into her back when he kissed her for the first time. Now, it is already empty, as if he was never there, and her heart clenches at the sight. She puts her lunch in the break room and lingers without thinking. She feels his absence where he would be next to her, leaning against the counter and teasing her for eating a salad for lunch when he knew she ate terribly at home.

She sits at her desk and glances at the stairwell. She hears her own awkward laughter and the warm feel of his hand in hers. She feels her body warm at the memory. She blinks and it's gone.

The day picks up and all of the work she had neglected distracts her for a few hours. She instinctively heads to the printing room on the farther side of the office. She expects to bump into Kakashi in there—he always heads to the printing room when he sees her head towards it—but jumps when she sees someone else from finance instead on his way out (must be a new guy, she doesn't recognize him).

"Whoops, sorry!" he says cheerily and steps to the side to let her in before heading back out. The papers flutter out of her hand to the floor and she remembers that she will never bump into Kakashi again.

She resigns by the end of the day.

* * *

The first time she breaks down about everything is, of course, to Ino.

"I know it's hard," Ino says softly in a rare moment of compassion. "But you can't stay inside all day. This isn't good for you. He wouldn't want you to live like this." Sakura rolls over.

"Who knows what he would want?" Sakura replies. "I hardly even knew him."

"Don't say that, you knew him better than everyone." Ino scolds her. Sakura shakes her head.

"I don't know anything about him." She sobs quietly, curling into herself. "I didn't know he did martial arts. I never met his best friends, or his dad. I didn't even know he was adopted. He never even mentioned me to any of the important people in his life. And now he never will."

Ino pulls her into a tight embrace and rubs Sakura's back as her body shakes with sobs. She rocks her softly, smoothing her hair down. When Sakura's breathing slows down, she replies.

"Of course there were some things you didn't know about him." Sakura pulled back to argue. "And okay, to be fair, some of those things were pretty big. But you do know one thing. He loved you." Sakura's eyes welled up with tears again.

"How do you know?" she whimpered, eyes set down on her fists.

"I could see it. Everyone could." She reassured Sakura, rubbing her arms. "And he told you himself. Kakashi would never say something if he didn't mean it."

Sakura nods but isn't sure what she believes anymore. But she knows she can't handle much more of this conversation, and so she lets Ino believe that she believes her.

* * *

The first time she drinks after Kakashi's death is because it is Ino's birthday. She lets Ino dress her up and slather too much makeup on her face. Sakura isn't sure she can handle it but Ino shoves a shot into her hand right before they run out the door. Sakura throws it back and the burn in her throat is the most she's felt in weeks.

They end up at a raunchy nightclub with a large group because Ino is dating a promoter who promises her bottle service. They enter the VIP area. Ino goes to mingle with the group and Sakura is reminded that the last time she went out drinking, Kakashi carried her home.

Sakura grabs an open bottle from the table and takes a swig. The burn trickles down her throat and spreads warmth through her body. She remembers the warmth she felt in his arms. She takes another swig. She hears his low chuckle in her ear. And another. She smells the musky scent of his cologne. And another.

"Hey girl, how's it going?" a voice calls from beside her. She turns her head and sees broad shoulders and a head of black hair. Good. Not grey.

"Good now, how are you?" she asks with a bright smile, blinking her eyes to focus so she can see his face. She feels an arm slip around her waist.

"Even better now that you're here," a voice whispers against her ear. She giggles at the tickling feeling. "Want another drink?"

"Sure!" she chirps, attempting to take a swig from the bottle. She frowns when nothing comes out. She hears a laugh.

"That one's empty. Here, let's drink this." The bottle is plucked from her hands and replaced by another. She takes a swig and passes the bottle back.

They continue that way, talking and laughing and passing the bottle back and forth. With every sip, her head spins, but it's spinning away from Kakashi for once, and she's thankful. At some point they tumble out onto the dance floor, bodies swaying together, and then they stumble out the door into the cool night air, laughing.

"You're fun," he breathes into her ear. "Want to come over?"

She nods and he takes her hand.

* * *

The first time she sleeps with someone else, she locks herself in her apartment and cries for so long she wonders how her body keeps producing more tears. She scrubs her skin raw trying to forget the feeling of someone else on her.

* * *

The first time she has a proper conversation with one of Kakashi's childhood friends is at the park. She has just had lunch with Ino and is walking home when she hears someone call her name. She turns and sees a man waving at her.

"Sakura, right?" he calls cheerfully. Sakura nods slowly, head tilted to the side.

"Yes. I'm sorry, have we met?" she asks. The man shakes his head.

"No, we never got the pleasure, but Kakashi-senpai mentioned your bright pink hair often enough." Sakura's heart jumps at the mention of Kakashi. "Not many people have that color of hair naturally!"

"You…you knew Kakashi?"

"Unfortunately, since we were kids. We took martial arts together," the man explains with a laugh.

"And you said that he mentioned me?" Sakura asks softly. Her heart swells hopefully as the man nods.

"Oh yeah, plenty of times. In fact, I have been trying to get in contact with you! The only person who had your contact information was Minato-sensei, and then you left the company," the man exclaims. "I have something for you from senpai. Do you have some time right now? My shop is just a few blocks away from here."

"Yes, yes of course." Sakura nods vigorously. The man starts walking away, gesturing for her to follow him. "Did he really used to talk about me a lot?"

"Yeah, I remember when you two first started dating. He would not shut up about the 'cute but really klutzy pink-haired girl with the nice ass.'" The man rolls his eyes then blushes. Sakura giggles as he stammers, "Uh, not that I was checking you out or anything, Kakashi-senpai would kill me! His words, not mine. I mean, not that you don't have a nice… I mean-"

"What's your name?" Sakura interrupts his awkward tirade. The man laughs in relief.

"I'm Yamato."

"Oh, why does that sound so familiar?" Sakura wracks her brains.

"I own a plant nursery. Kakashi used to steal flowers from me to give to you." Yamato explains with a roll of his eyes. "You might remember seeing my company name on the tags. Anyways, welcome to Yamato's Nursery!"

Sakura's eyes widen as they enter the nursery. It is filled with organized rows of lush, beautiful varieties of plants. She marvels at the sight as she follows Yamato further down the rows.

"It's beautiful," she breathes, gazing around.

"Thank you!" Yamato smiles in appreciation. "Kakashi-senpai always talked about bringing you here but it was always hard to figure out a time since we operate around the same hours you two would work."

"What…what else would Kakashi mention about me?" Sakura asks quietly. Yamato stops walking and she feels his questioning stare on her. She keeps steadfast eye contact with a sign that reads "specialty geraniums."

"I'm not sure either of us have time to hear that answer." Yamato finally answers with a chuckle. "He talked about you constantly."

Sakura's heart flutters in her chest and a genuine smile creeps onto her face for the first time in months. "Oh. That's good."

"Why do you ask?" he asks, trying to catch her eye. Sakura avoids the eye contact and frowns. They stand in silence for a few moments. There is so much Sakura wants to say and find out about Kakashi, but she unloading all of this on a virtual stranger feels odd. But the dam holding everything back is shaking and Yamato is waiting so patiently and so kindly and finally she can't help herself.

"Kakashi was just…such a mystery." Sakura almost whispers. "I used to think I knew so much about him. But after… after he passed, I found out there was so much more. So much I never knew. Right before the accident, we had gotten into a fight. I wanted to move in together, but he kept saying he wasn't sure what he wanted and that we weren't ready to move in together anyways. I thought he was just scared of commitment, but now I wonder if he was right."

Yamato's snort interrupts her. He stares at her wide eyed, as if the snort was unintentional.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off!" he says quickly. "But that man was definitely scared to death of commitment. As far as I know, you were the only woman he really ever called his girlfriend."

"Really?" Sakura asks disbelievingly.

"Oh yeah, definitely. Look, I won't pretend to understand the complexities behind the tortured, genius mind of Kakashi." Yamato says as he rolls his eyes. "And it was your relationship, so you know it better than anyone else. But Kakashi is a secretive guy. He always had been. If he kept anything from you, it wasn't because he didn't care. It was probably just instinct. He had a pretty rough childhood, and he learned to cope with it by locking things up and keeping others in the dark. It definitely wasn't healthy, but that's how he did it. He does the same to everyone in his life.

"Kakashi wasn't just scared of commitment, he flat out didn't know how to do it. That's part of why I heard so much about you. He would come here constantly to steal my flowers to give to you, and that's all he really knew how to do. As big of a genius as that guy was, he had a lot to learn about interpersonal relationships. But I'm pretty confident when I say he definitely loved you."

Yamato ends that sentence with a shrug. When Sakura doesn't reply, he waves her forward and they continue their walk through the nursery.

Sakura is still digesting what Yamato said when he stops. He picks up a pot of flowers and hands it to her.

"Here you go. It was supposed to be for your anniversary, but I think I'm a bit late in the delivery." Yamato explains softly. He picks up the card that was next to it. "He wrote this for you too."

"Thank you." Sakura takes the items gingerly, hands shaking.

"You can stay back here, no one will bother you." Yamato nods towards the direction they came from. "I'll be in the main shop area." He gives a small wave and heads away quickly.

The tag on the potted flowers reads "Chrysanthemums." It comes in a range of colors from pink to yellow to orange. They are beautiful.

She sets the pot down carefully and picks up the card. She sees her name across the front in Kakashi's sloppy handwriting and outlines it slowly with her finger, tears pooling in her eyes. She turns it over and laughs. Kakashi always found it disgusting to lick envelopes and so usually sealed his with ridiculous stickers. This one was sealed with a sticker of a squash nosed pug wearing a headband and a bandage around its front right leg. She peeled it off slowly, careful not to rip it, and stuck in on the front of the envelope. Finally, she pulls the letter out and begins to read it.

_Sakura,_

_ Yamato said it's depressing that I keep stealing his flowers and killing them when I gift them to you and I should give you something alive for once that you can take care of. I think he's just being cheap, but I suppose I'll defer to the plant expert here. We picked Chrysanthemums because apparently they represent loyalty and love, which seems fitting for a "first ever anniversary gift." I'm not sure what the typical protocol is here but I've heard flowers are always a good call._

_ Oh, yes, and happy anniversary._

_ I'm still not quite sure how this went from you snorting lemonade at me to this, but I suppose I can admit that I am thankful. Work is far less boring when I can look forward to our quickies in the janitor's closet. _

_ In all seriousness, being with you has been one of the most uncomfortable but enjoyable experiences I have gone through thus far. Thank you for being the adorable klutz that you are, and for all the craziness you've brought into my life. I don't know what's next. I've never made it this far. But I'm glad I made it with you. _

_ Anyways, you know I'm a numbers guy, and fitting words together in pretty sentences is not my thing. So I think it would be in both of our best interests to end this letter now. I love you. Thank you for loving me._

_Love,_

_ Kakashi_

* * *

**A/N**: I purely read the manga and never watched the anime, so I know that my characterizations are likely off, but that's why this is an ~AU~. Also ahhh I'm sorry to the few reviewers who thought this might end up happy. The first thing I wrote for this whole story was "The first time she sleeps with someone else" section. At that time, I hadn't decided how the two of them ended yet (breaking up, cheating, death, etc.) but I knew they were ending. It was never meant to be Sakura and Kakashi frolic together happily into the sunset. But I hope this took you on a journey anyways. And I hope you enjoyed your time on it. Thank you for stopping by.


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